Healing the Sacred Feminine

Just home from going to see a non-fiction movie called 'Sex Magic' about a polyamorous Tantric shaman and the struggle he faces when he falls in love. i'm not going to try to review it; i'm sure those are out there for anyone who cares to google it. Instead, i want to try and talk about the things i Experienced while watching it.

Parts of the movie were uncomfortable to watch. i have difficulty being Present and unattached when confronted with certain kinds of emotional behaviours; although nothing here made me cringe or want to close my eyes, cover my ears and whistle. Some of it was uncomfortable because of my personal reactions to the person the movie is primarily about; he has a little too much of the smarmy, self-satisfied NuAge hippie about him for me to develop a true sympathy. He also exhibits an amount of a certain kind of male ego that is so *convinced* he's pro-woman, and honoring the Goddess and la de freakin da, that he's unable to Listen to things that actual womyn around him are actually saying - and worse, unable to Own behaviours that he's called on.

But the process of watching, of sharing some of the experiences however vicariously, had a definite, noticeable effect on me. For one, early on in the film i had an urge to slip down out of my theater seat and sit cross-legged on the floor in front of it. i found myself watching the movie - participating in watching - from the same consciousness i would bring to workshops at festival. Indeed, some of the group activities shown were not far different from attending a workshop at Winterstar - altho as Midwesterners, we'd be much less likely to have an *experiential* workshop on Sacred Sexuality.

That last is really what drew me to go out on a frozen January midnight to see the film. Sexuality IS Sacred to me, and that is intimately bound up with my own personal process and why i'm only half-joking when i call myself a Buddhist nun. For one, although i've received a little bit of training in Tantra, its far too little for me to formally call myself a Tantrika or dakini. And yet somehow innately i feel those terms ARE appropriate; of course that is who, or what, i am. And there was very, very little shown of various Tantric sessions that i could not say, Yes, i have Been There, i have experienced that, i Grok (and trust me, the camera showed pretty much all you can imagine about a Tantric session).

There were two things i really took away from the film that resonated so strongly i came straight home to my computer to note them down. One was a discussion of Tantra and polyamory - someone states that the two are not necessarily synonymous and in fact, might even be incompatible. This struck a deep chord in me. i respect polyamory, i Get It, i support poly folk and there may have been a time in my life when i would have counted myself among them. But now - no. i'm quite clear that it is not my path. If i am to be in a serious relationship again, it needs to be one that can encompass some form of Tantric union, in a way that would not leave energie for any other sexual love relationship.

The other was a statement made by the central character, about the relationship between the God and Goddess, Divine Feminine and Masculine on one hand - and the wounded man and wounded woman that are what manifests when we are *not* connected to these higher energies. Those descriptions resounded so clearly, and fit certain patterns in my life, patterns i am dealing with right now, the same night as seeing this movie, so well that i had to tune out and go think about them for a few minutes after he said that. Wow. Yes. *That* i understand, it Makes Sense. i see those archetypal roles manifesting right here, right now, in my own life and relationships. It was like adjusting the lens so that suddenly the picture came into focus - perfect clarity. My next task then, is what do i do with that knowledge, can i use it? If so, how?

Coming back to the film, this fellow is talking a lot about the womb, the sacred energies we hold there and manifest there. And i am thinking how easy it is for him to 'honor the Goddess' by making love to these women - who are all beautiful, and radiant, and have lovely slender bodies that don't sag or droop or show any wear and tear. As i am thinking this, a woman - client? - is shown who IS overweight, Goddess-shaped if you mean the Venus of Willendorf. She talks about having been abused, and having gained the weight afterwards, and what her weight signifies - she Gets It. Interestingly, in *her* session they both keeps their clothes on, but never mind all that.

What i notice is that as i am watching and thinking about all this, i feel my own womb contracting, feel knotted energies around it loosen up, feel the blood that has been unwilling to release itself even though its due, suddenly begin to flow. This cycle has had a lot of difficult emotional energie bound up with it for me, and i have, as part of my 'PMSing' (which i rarely get, or do) been manifesting exactly the wounded feminine archetype described earlier. No surprise that my energies are currently directed towards/flowing through someone who is very, very much a wounded male; no surprise at all.

i have been blessed, many, many times, to have participated in a workshop, or ritual, or drum circle, where i came away at the end feeling - Awakened. Enthused. Open to a new, deeper level of Understanding. i have also had this sort of experience from psychedelic journeying, and fundamentally - i see no difference. To experience it from watching a film is less common, altho i know its happened at least once before, watching a movie about Ram Dass (Fierce Grace? Don't recognize the title, but that must be it).

Over the years, i have come to trust certain little signs that tell me yes, i am on The Path. This is what i need to know, or should be doing right now. Sometimes the signs are few and far between, but sometimes they crowd in on each other. Right now is one of the busy times, tho i've known busier. The AEgypt cycle of books by John Crowley, which i've been working my way through for weeks, is one of them - and is about them, as well. Among other things. But in the past week, i've now had two strong-feeling indicators that i am inclined to listen to. The second is this film; the first was another book, 'Fishers of Men'. That one demanded i come find it, made me go wandering amongst the shelves at the library when i didn't think i wanted another book at all. The subtitle is something like, An Ayahuasca Vision Quest; it wasn't til i was nearly half-way through that i thought to check the publisher - only to find it put out by Reality Sandwich, which is related to Evolver.net, a website i sometimes hang out on that's dedicated to building, shaping, a future we'll want to live in.

In both cases, much of the message has to do with Healing, specifically with healing trauma and old wounds. Curiously, the last Tarot reading i did for myself brought up cards speaking very specifically of Recovery, which ties strongly into some of the things i am dealing with on a personal level. i hope to be able to learn from these messages and continue to grow and to heal, and to look for ways to bring thee energie of that process to bear on the world around me.

Joining the Invisible College

Blessed Be, and welcome. i am the resident woodnymph, and this is my tree - my holt, for those of you who know ElfQuest (in which case i'm less a woodnymph than a wolfrider, but never mind all that..) i already have a couple blogs out there; one of which, The Active Avoidance of Housework you can find behind that link. Myspace has other, older stuff, and beyond that, well - is beyond that.

So why another? Because after two years of dithering, i decided that Active Avoidance would have an actual focus, to wit: a wrap-up of the various arts, craft, performance, and otherwise off the beaten track sorts of things that i do, with an aim to making it entirely publically palatable. Here, however, i want to make note of the esoteric things i encounter, or see, or think. So that while this is also 'public', i won't be linking it to the other, or linking it publically from Facebook.

i make a practice of believing six impossible things before breakfast - well not really. i don't eat breakfast. But i *do* believe in the power of belief systems, and the observer-created universe. i have come to believe that we can shape the reality around us to some extent, and have been actively exploring this notion for several years now. And for every cliff i've stepped off, there has been a cartoon physics cloud rise up under my feet to keep me from falling.

One of my personal tenets is that reality(TM) not only can be shaped, but *is* being, is mutating and shifting; that we are undergoing a transformation where the world will be not as it is now. But the deepest, truest actual discussion or description of what is happening is not on the news (please), in magazines, even online. At least in my experience; i need to remember that what is so for me may be - in fact, almost certainly *is* - very different for others.

No, the place where i find this process most accurately described and reflected is in fiction, speculative or urban fantasy fiction in particular. Yes, there really ARE HooDoo Engineers. Yes, the Reconciliation with the Imajica really IS underway. Yes, there really ARE Animal People, and a Night Market, and Roads that are at an angle to us we can't quite see. And i believe this because all of these are the most accurate descriptions of what i, personally, have experienced that i have encountered. Time to say more is short, but let me say this much: i am currently finding it in the pages of John Crowley's AEgypt Cycle. i hope to elucidate further in posts yet to be written. i hope you'll stick around to read some of them.