post-Starwood post (belated)

Dear internetz -

This summer i went to Starwood. To my great surprise, Starwood was there to meet me. Now this might not make a lot of sense if you don't know me, or don't know me well enough to, well, know. But Starwood and i have A History, you see.

And it is just possible that someone reading this might not even know Starwood, or might know it only by reputation. How to tell it.. Starwood used to describe itself as 'the largest festival of its kind'. That might even still be true. Most people would consider it a pagan festival, since many if not most of the folks who attend profess some variety of neo-paganism; but there are everything from Voudon adherents to Buddhists to SubGenii to, i'm quite sure, Pastafarians there. Not to mention Jews, agnostics, and even a sprinkling of Christians - very, very *liberal* Christians to be sure.

But Starwood is something much more than the sum of its parts. Or at least, it used to be.. the last few times i was there, it seemed to me to have devolved somehow, to be going through the traditional motions but to have forgotten what they meant. However, its equally possible that i myself had simply lost touch with the spirit of Starwood somewhere along the way. This year, however, i found it again. And now i can't wait to go back.

OK, full disclosure time: i was once a Starwood organizer. And since i'm fairly certain that no Chameleon eyes shall ever peruse this blog, i can say that its not out of the question that at some point i will be one again. Yes, it was *that* strong an experience - and i was only there for 24 hours! But i attended Starwood before i became involved with ACE (the group that puts it on) and i've attended several since letting my membership go dormant.

Once upon a time, Starwood was THE high point of my summer. In fact, it became such a major focal point that the entire *rest* of my summers were consumed by it; work on Starwood began before Beltane in May, and between the wrap-up and recovery/decompression period, lasted til Labor Day. That was more time than i was ultimately willing to give over; but once upon a time - it was almost worth it.

i used to think of Starwood as a room, or perhaps a station, on the wheel of the year. A particularly powerful station.. Ah, here we are again at Starwood, i would think; and look around to see what was the same, what had changed since last we visited that room. Saying this does not adequately convey the sense i had then that Starwood was somehow eternal - even tho we would all strike camp and go home on Sunday (or, for the true die-hards, Monday), Starwood didn't 'stop'. It continued somehow to exist, waiting for us to make the circuit, trace out the path that would bring us once again to its camps, its fires.

Last night i watched a documentary called "Shortcut to Nirvana", on the Kumbh Mela festival in India. And though i know its ridiculously presumptuous of me to say so, i felt like i 'recognized' and 'understood' something about that ancient festival - because i have experienced the same thing at festivals i've attended here. Starwood chief among them.

i've heard of the Kumbh Mela before, and even seen footage; but this was the first time i've seen it presented on a wide scale and as entirely contemporary (the documentary was shot in 2001, during the Maha Kumbh Mela. This occurs only once every 144 years, and drew upwards of 70 *million* people - the largest gathering of humans anywhere on earth, ever). Each guru attending has their own camp setup; as each little tribe and group of friends does at Starwood. At night, much of the grounds are lit electronically; again, as at Starwood, tho the Indian fest was closer to a religious version of Vegas. There are entertainers, pilgrims of every stripe, even tourists who don't really know what its all about, but are there for The Spectacle - and some of them may find themselves touched on a much deeper level.

The analogy may be thin, but i remain convinced that a transformative event such as Starwood, or the Rainbow Gathering, or Burning Man, is the western equivalent. i've been to two of the three i mention; i've never been to Burning Man, but everyone i know who has, refers to it with the same sort of mystical awe, even tho it is not at all a 'religious' or even spiritual fest, nor are those people necessarily spiritual folk. i may or may not journey there someday, but then again, i wonder if i need to. i've got my own pilgramage site, and that is Starwood.

i know that i'm not doing a very good job of explaining just WHY i feel this way about this festival, nor why this year's in particular struck me that way. i can tell you that in the past, its been my experience that Starwood tends to bring things to a head, and this year might be no exception. There are things that happened this year that i choose not to share here, because they are of a personal nature; but more to the point, as with anything that partakes of the numinous, some things simply cannot be explained. The two examples i often use are sex and acid - you can read all you want on either subject, but nothing, nothing will ever convey the same meaning and emotion to you as experiencing it for yourself - and Starwood, for me anyway, is like that (tho not only for me; as i've shared this feeling with many other attendees).

My journey there this year was short, too short i think now. i went with the band i work with, and they were staying only for the night they played. As the last several Starwoods i attended seemed to me to lack the spirit that had once made them so meaningful to me, i didn't even consider trying to extend my stay. i think now that this was a mistake, as i believe thee majik ov Starwood might have exerted its influence on areas of my life that could really use it - but i am trying to trust that everything happens for a reason. Maybe next year.

One thing i can share here is the feeling that i have let my spirituality go far too dormant. i don't do any active practice.. maybe i never did, but there was a time (coincidentally, overlapping the years i actively attended Starwood) when i incorporated my beliefs a lot more deeply into my life. They still underlie much of my day-to-day action; more than most people would suspect. But they've gotten a little too far into the background. Perhaps my return to Starwood was must valuable as a reminder that these things are important and need some intentional recognition and inclusion into my life again.

..but the war goes on..

Wow. Ok. That was - a Depth Charge. i'd ask if anybody else felt it, but i already know others have and are, thanks to thee majik ov thee astral intarwebs. Which is not to say i don't want to hear about it if you did; comments of that sort are *most* welcome.

Actually, i think noting a small but really definite ripple amongst a certain strata of folks is what made me snap to and take notice: hey, people are being Affected, Pay Attention. Of course i was one of those affected, which put its own filters on things.

Driving home tonight, after a day when the things that hit, hit only as aftershocks, i started thinking about this wave of negative, really depressing energie that has been sweeping through people. Sort of idly going over Uranus going into Aries, Mercury going retrograde and i don't even know where the moon is; let's see what else has been going on.

What else.

Yeah i know, i can be a real DUMBASS sometimes. Maybe i should have phrased it, What HASN'T been going on?! Tsunami and earthquake? Nuclear crises? Right-wing takeover of state governments? Freak snowstorms? i'm not even *trying* to keep track.

What i'm hearing is people feeling overwhelmed, people feeling down, maybe even way down. Too far down. And yeah, i don't just Hear it, i Feel it. It got me too, kicked my feet out from under me. Literally, as it turns out; the stepladder i've owned for 25 years collapsed under me and dumped me into a sadeladder pretzel. i've had Personal Shite that i haven't wanted to deal with that just won't go away by ignoring it, come due and demand i Recognize it. Wah wah poor widdle me. Meanwhile halfway across the globe people are DYING, and you don't think maybe the sudden ascension of how many thousands in Japan might release some crazy shock wave?

i could continue to detail effects of the blast. Its taken people out over here as well. Nowhere near the numbers, obviously; but the impact has been that intense on some folks. And i'm not saying that's *why* people have gone out. i don't even know 'why' for most of the cases; they're just gone. Almost as if our flanks were being attacked, take down the ones you can. Almost.

i Choose not to Believe that there is an organized conspiracy of black magic out there going after folks on 'our' side (and no, i don't think i can define that right at this point) - but i also see where one could just about make a case. Whether this notion is real-in-some-sense or not doesn't really matter. What matters is what we do about it. How we respond. What matters is that we not let it derail us.

i had a short but very interesting exchange with someone i'd call a - Peer? We don't really know each other well enough to be tight, but certainly better than mere acquaintance. Anyway, apparently some while back, we had had a disagreement on a discussion board over the usefulness of Hope. i was and am adamantly For it; he, at the time, was not but wanted me to know he had changed perspective on things. That may sound like something trivial, but its the node around which a pattern accumulates. And Oh my friends, That may be just the thread i am looking for.

A wave like the one that just passed through is difficult and intense; but the point is, it HAS passed. And we are Still Here. Battered? Oh hell yes, but you know what? We are STILL HERE. We Survived, and we can get just a little bit smarter from that (tho ok, a whole lot smarter would be preferable). We *need* to get smarter from that. And we can.

That's what Pattern Recognition is about. PAT-tern re-cog-NI-tion is a LARGE part of the GAME. When you begin to understand the pattern, you are, in effect, unraveling the source code. Maybe not of the Universe - seriously, dude, do you really *want* to jam your brain fulla that? - but perhaps of certain quantum local realities. Which in some cases might be global in scope. And the cool thing about the source code is, its actually open source. That means We Can All EDIT IT.

And you know what that means? If we don't like the places the world is headed, well, we have a say in that. We absolutely have, in our hands right now, the ability to Manifest a future we want to live in. People Have The Power. Patti Smith told us that thirty years ago. OK lots of people have been telling us in lots of ways for a long long time. Are we ready to listen yet?

Every time the polar bear excrement interferes with the machinery, we have to up the blast of positive, healing, loving energie we send back out. If we get hit with a wave like just came through, acknowledge it. Speak it. Share it as much as you can from wherever you are, with whoever you can. Use your own definition of who you can share with, but stretch it out a little. Look around. Is there somebody you know that seems like maybe they'd Get It? Send a few feelers by them, see how they react. Maybe they'll be grateful for the chance to share back; maybe they have something *you* need to hear.

And wherever you can, as soon as you can, bring the vibe back UP. Throw a potluck, break the dancefloor ice, wear colors and clothes that make you and others feel good, share energie. Do art, make music and food and love. Raise the energie. Blow bubbles. Sprinkle faerie dust. Wear bells. Radiate joy. Give hope. Take hope. Heal each other. Heal yours'elves.

And please please please - if you read this, if you like this, if you agree and especially if you Do Something About It too, let me know? Post a comment, click like, share the link. Let's get a feedback loop going, start a nodal point. We're beyond wondering if things are going to change; things are changing. Please help to make that change one that will benefit us all, every one of Mother's children, every being of consciousness around us. What i tell you three times, three times, three times..

Healing the Sacred Feminine

Just home from going to see a non-fiction movie called 'Sex Magic' about a polyamorous Tantric shaman and the struggle he faces when he falls in love. i'm not going to try to review it; i'm sure those are out there for anyone who cares to google it. Instead, i want to try and talk about the things i Experienced while watching it.

Parts of the movie were uncomfortable to watch. i have difficulty being Present and unattached when confronted with certain kinds of emotional behaviours; although nothing here made me cringe or want to close my eyes, cover my ears and whistle. Some of it was uncomfortable because of my personal reactions to the person the movie is primarily about; he has a little too much of the smarmy, self-satisfied NuAge hippie about him for me to develop a true sympathy. He also exhibits an amount of a certain kind of male ego that is so *convinced* he's pro-woman, and honoring the Goddess and la de freakin da, that he's unable to Listen to things that actual womyn around him are actually saying - and worse, unable to Own behaviours that he's called on.

But the process of watching, of sharing some of the experiences however vicariously, had a definite, noticeable effect on me. For one, early on in the film i had an urge to slip down out of my theater seat and sit cross-legged on the floor in front of it. i found myself watching the movie - participating in watching - from the same consciousness i would bring to workshops at festival. Indeed, some of the group activities shown were not far different from attending a workshop at Winterstar - altho as Midwesterners, we'd be much less likely to have an *experiential* workshop on Sacred Sexuality.

That last is really what drew me to go out on a frozen January midnight to see the film. Sexuality IS Sacred to me, and that is intimately bound up with my own personal process and why i'm only half-joking when i call myself a Buddhist nun. For one, although i've received a little bit of training in Tantra, its far too little for me to formally call myself a Tantrika or dakini. And yet somehow innately i feel those terms ARE appropriate; of course that is who, or what, i am. And there was very, very little shown of various Tantric sessions that i could not say, Yes, i have Been There, i have experienced that, i Grok (and trust me, the camera showed pretty much all you can imagine about a Tantric session).

There were two things i really took away from the film that resonated so strongly i came straight home to my computer to note them down. One was a discussion of Tantra and polyamory - someone states that the two are not necessarily synonymous and in fact, might even be incompatible. This struck a deep chord in me. i respect polyamory, i Get It, i support poly folk and there may have been a time in my life when i would have counted myself among them. But now - no. i'm quite clear that it is not my path. If i am to be in a serious relationship again, it needs to be one that can encompass some form of Tantric union, in a way that would not leave energie for any other sexual love relationship.

The other was a statement made by the central character, about the relationship between the God and Goddess, Divine Feminine and Masculine on one hand - and the wounded man and wounded woman that are what manifests when we are *not* connected to these higher energies. Those descriptions resounded so clearly, and fit certain patterns in my life, patterns i am dealing with right now, the same night as seeing this movie, so well that i had to tune out and go think about them for a few minutes after he said that. Wow. Yes. *That* i understand, it Makes Sense. i see those archetypal roles manifesting right here, right now, in my own life and relationships. It was like adjusting the lens so that suddenly the picture came into focus - perfect clarity. My next task then, is what do i do with that knowledge, can i use it? If so, how?

Coming back to the film, this fellow is talking a lot about the womb, the sacred energies we hold there and manifest there. And i am thinking how easy it is for him to 'honor the Goddess' by making love to these women - who are all beautiful, and radiant, and have lovely slender bodies that don't sag or droop or show any wear and tear. As i am thinking this, a woman - client? - is shown who IS overweight, Goddess-shaped if you mean the Venus of Willendorf. She talks about having been abused, and having gained the weight afterwards, and what her weight signifies - she Gets It. Interestingly, in *her* session they both keeps their clothes on, but never mind all that.

What i notice is that as i am watching and thinking about all this, i feel my own womb contracting, feel knotted energies around it loosen up, feel the blood that has been unwilling to release itself even though its due, suddenly begin to flow. This cycle has had a lot of difficult emotional energie bound up with it for me, and i have, as part of my 'PMSing' (which i rarely get, or do) been manifesting exactly the wounded feminine archetype described earlier. No surprise that my energies are currently directed towards/flowing through someone who is very, very much a wounded male; no surprise at all.

i have been blessed, many, many times, to have participated in a workshop, or ritual, or drum circle, where i came away at the end feeling - Awakened. Enthused. Open to a new, deeper level of Understanding. i have also had this sort of experience from psychedelic journeying, and fundamentally - i see no difference. To experience it from watching a film is less common, altho i know its happened at least once before, watching a movie about Ram Dass (Fierce Grace? Don't recognize the title, but that must be it).

Over the years, i have come to trust certain little signs that tell me yes, i am on The Path. This is what i need to know, or should be doing right now. Sometimes the signs are few and far between, but sometimes they crowd in on each other. Right now is one of the busy times, tho i've known busier. The AEgypt cycle of books by John Crowley, which i've been working my way through for weeks, is one of them - and is about them, as well. Among other things. But in the past week, i've now had two strong-feeling indicators that i am inclined to listen to. The second is this film; the first was another book, 'Fishers of Men'. That one demanded i come find it, made me go wandering amongst the shelves at the library when i didn't think i wanted another book at all. The subtitle is something like, An Ayahuasca Vision Quest; it wasn't til i was nearly half-way through that i thought to check the publisher - only to find it put out by Reality Sandwich, which is related to Evolver.net, a website i sometimes hang out on that's dedicated to building, shaping, a future we'll want to live in.

In both cases, much of the message has to do with Healing, specifically with healing trauma and old wounds. Curiously, the last Tarot reading i did for myself brought up cards speaking very specifically of Recovery, which ties strongly into some of the things i am dealing with on a personal level. i hope to be able to learn from these messages and continue to grow and to heal, and to look for ways to bring thee energie of that process to bear on the world around me.

Joining the Invisible College

Blessed Be, and welcome. i am the resident woodnymph, and this is my tree - my holt, for those of you who know ElfQuest (in which case i'm less a woodnymph than a wolfrider, but never mind all that..) i already have a couple blogs out there; one of which, The Active Avoidance of Housework you can find behind that link. Myspace has other, older stuff, and beyond that, well - is beyond that.

So why another? Because after two years of dithering, i decided that Active Avoidance would have an actual focus, to wit: a wrap-up of the various arts, craft, performance, and otherwise off the beaten track sorts of things that i do, with an aim to making it entirely publically palatable. Here, however, i want to make note of the esoteric things i encounter, or see, or think. So that while this is also 'public', i won't be linking it to the other, or linking it publically from Facebook.

i make a practice of believing six impossible things before breakfast - well not really. i don't eat breakfast. But i *do* believe in the power of belief systems, and the observer-created universe. i have come to believe that we can shape the reality around us to some extent, and have been actively exploring this notion for several years now. And for every cliff i've stepped off, there has been a cartoon physics cloud rise up under my feet to keep me from falling.

One of my personal tenets is that reality(TM) not only can be shaped, but *is* being, is mutating and shifting; that we are undergoing a transformation where the world will be not as it is now. But the deepest, truest actual discussion or description of what is happening is not on the news (please), in magazines, even online. At least in my experience; i need to remember that what is so for me may be - in fact, almost certainly *is* - very different for others.

No, the place where i find this process most accurately described and reflected is in fiction, speculative or urban fantasy fiction in particular. Yes, there really ARE HooDoo Engineers. Yes, the Reconciliation with the Imajica really IS underway. Yes, there really ARE Animal People, and a Night Market, and Roads that are at an angle to us we can't quite see. And i believe this because all of these are the most accurate descriptions of what i, personally, have experienced that i have encountered. Time to say more is short, but let me say this much: i am currently finding it in the pages of John Crowley's AEgypt Cycle. i hope to elucidate further in posts yet to be written. i hope you'll stick around to read some of them.