i have wondered what this summer was going to be like. As if i really had to ask? Of course it would be Interesting; what other option is there? What shade - and *intensity* - of Interesting has been the question.
There is a sense in which things have been almost anti-climactic. Which given the types of major events that have gone on - major shifts on the job front, a good friend with cancer, different living arrangements to name the big ones - might seem the last thing you'd expect me to say. But somehow, none of this has seemed like a Big Deal. When something first shifts, it might send me teetering for a day or two; but i'm a Weeble anymore. i wobble but i don't fall down.
Every so often, i feel like life gets shaken up. We get moved around the chessboard and reconfigured. When this happens, i think of it as jumping universes; maybe its not literally what's happening but its as good a description as any. These moves often seem to happen at points on the wheel - solstices and equinoxes - or moon phases; and most particularly when both happen at the same time.
Last weekend wasn't quite that. It was a half-moon, and Pagan Pride, and coming as it did on 
the secular calendar right before Labor Day, it felt like a sort of urban harvest festival. Midway between Lammas and the Equinox. Lammas was always the most difficult holiday for me to correlate to the mundane calendar; its energie seems largely transferred to Labor Day. This had a definite end-of-summer pageant Feel to it.
i spent most of several days - i miraculously had a four-day weekend - catching up on things around the house or just reading and relaxing. When not doing that, i was out mingling with my tribes - and when i speak of things Shifting, this is one of the things i mean. My first afternoon i went down to happy hour in the vortex; a place i used to call Home and haven't much been in a while. The past month though i've been finding myself there again, seeing people i've not really seen all summer.
Somewhere along the way - i can't say if it was actually that weekend, but within the past week - i had the notion that i should try to ride out the winter at my current dayjob (i've been looking for another) and then announce i'm going on sabbatical in the spring, take off and try the touring life for a few months. This is truly where my heart lies, but i always seem to have reasons Why Not, Not Just Yet. There are still obstacles without a doubt; but i am beginning to see ways around them.
i wound up at Pagan Pride three times over the weekend, which took some commitment as its not close by. Saturday night i almost didn't go but returned to see fellow cabaret performers Frenchy and the Punk (formerly the Gypsy Nomads). i've known them from around the circuit for a few years but sometimes only get to see them in May, at the Spoutwood Farm Fairie Festival so having a chance to watch their set without having to work at the same time was a treat.
More to the point, tho, they're also an inspiration. As they pointed out, they are DIY indie performers - no corporate sponsorship; this is what they DO. And that's what i want to do too. i spent a little time talking to each of them after their set about the idea and both were encouraging (yay).
On Sunday i got dressed; a bit more steampunk faerie than i might usually wear around town, and made the trip for the third time. i actually like long drives; they give me time to think about things - tho come to think of it, that's one of the things i like about statue work too. Alas my guided meditation was scheduled right across not only from a rock band, but my *friends* band, Morticia's Chair. However, just before i began, i reconnected with someone ELSE i'd not seen in a good long while; who informed me they have a place quite near me that would be open to hosting workshops - one of those things thats been on my Someday list.
Sunday evening i had a drink with a photographer friend, then went on to the band space where i was able to participate in Skype conversation with the lady who's been fighting cancer. This was particularly meaningful to me as i had dreamt about her just that morning. She's out in Sedona, taking part in the healing energies there after going through more traditional means here; and she said that today had been really good, really transformative, that she felt she could say her cancer was gone. Another shift; her illness has been an undercurrent all summer long, and is actually precipitating mending some other fences i've had to mend.
So the chess pieces shuffle. After a somehow low-key summer, in that nothing came crashing down around our ears, things seem to be re-aligning themselves for the next phase. Part of the meditation i led, or tried to, focussed on the idea of creating transformation in our lives. i'm not yet satisfied with the meditation itself; i know exactly what i want it to say and do, but something about it hasn't quite gelled, something in the imagery isn't properply fleshed out. Still, the people who took part seemed to find it inspirational; and i know a series of photographs were taken of the group in closed-eyes meditation.
After a week of cooler temperatures, we returned to hot summery weather the next few days; but fall is in the air for certain sure. i feel that we are at a juncture, 
perhaps the beginning of a phase, that will last at least until the big, or Not-big as the case may be, End of the World climactic shift at the winter solstice. If i am to manifest the changes i envision now, i will have to spend the cold months preparing to journey quite literally come spring.
i Know that a portal to that other life is going to open or perhaps is opening now.. if i dont step through at this juncture, the next shakeup could put me farther from it than i am now as easily as sweep me through. Last weekend i was telling people to go out and Create their own reality, to manifest a better world, one we all want to live in. Seems the time might be right for me to take my own advice and change some things as well.
Its been a little hard to get myself oriented to the awakening of Spring as we know it here, as we seem to have fast-forwarded right past it into early summer this past week. Everything i looked at talked about leaving winter behind, and what winter we had has been gone for weeks already. But we are still at the turning point, when the days have grown long enough to equal the nights; soon the daylight hours will surpass the darkness. We don't have to anticipate the yearly rebirth of Nature, as its blossoming and bursting forth all around us. Not only that, but we have been dumped ass over teakettles into the sort of weather we're lucky to have at Beltane and often don't see til closer to Memorial Day.
This sudden swoop forward has left me bewildered and out of breath, as if i'd found myself, a bit unknowingly, going down one of those spiralling slides found at water parks and the like. Its been all swooshes and curves and such a ride that i hardly understood i had begun it and here i am plunk! into the pool at the bottom. Sometime i think i can just be awfully dense.. For as many years as i've been trying to Pay Attention, i've known that the combination of Certain Holidays with Certain Moon Phases can - can? will - bring about some classic energetic peaks. And yet - did it once occur to me another one of those concordances was on its way? (no).
When i first became aware of this in the late 80s, i had a circle of friends who often found ourselves gathered together on nights when the moon was new. That original group splintered and scattered; others have risen and done the same, only to have old alignments return in their place. Now, i count myself a member of several heart family tribes, some of whom even overlap.
i say all this to try and provide the background framework for the events of this past week, Spring Equinox, new moon, and more. When i describe myself as dense - i don't want to know how far along life's path i'd progressed before it dawned on me that my birthday, St Patrick's Day, was only slightly before the first day of spring; and the celebration of it (tho usually held in raw cold, if not the last snow of the season) serves along with Easter as the public, secular observance of same.
This year, of course, we had so little snow as to not be worth considering. Instead, last Saturday was sunny, the first in a streak of record-breakingly warm temperatures - and i decided to try my hand busking the parade. This was the first time in my life i've gone out 'freelance' without the blessing of the larger event, which was both scary and exciting. The energie current i found down there was completely over the top. There was a Bacchanalian quality amongst the revelers who literally packed the downtown entertainment corridor, of course; but after this winter, everyone knew on some deep level the unseasonable warmth was - Not Right.
When i perform, i throw myself into the middle of a moving group as a static presence. Sometimes there are more families with children, sometimes more adults who've sampled a festive beverage or two. Maintaining my stillness in the center of such energetic swirls requires an almost monastic focus. This is the state of mind i took to the unseasonably beautiful streets last Saturday; this is where i began to mark the equinox season though i recognized it not at the time.
Two days later came the actual moment of equinox, when the days and nights balance and the wheel of seasons turned. Again, i did not know it just then, but the mother of a good friend passed on that evening. I had had the fortune to have known her in her last years, though they were not easy ones for her. That day, her son had seen her for the last time; that evening, he gathered with his bandmates. Just as they finished a last song - a song that ended perfect and clean - the phone rang with the news that she had gone on.
Another two days. Thursday night the weather was still beautiful. i spent the day with my younger daughter, doing a few errands then going to see a movie together at our classic restored neighborhood theater. We watched 'Hugo' in 3D; a story that ultimately told of things near to my heart (the creation of the earliest fantasy cinema). That night, i gathered with a group of friends who date back to my circle from the 80s, a regular weekly event. This was the first night this year we sat out front on the patio. As we sat, i realized that just then, that night, was the new moon just as it used to be; and we spoke of members of the earlier tribe. Some have moved, some left this plane, some are nearby yet distant internally, but i realized, ah! oh! it was one of Those nights, of course, of course.
Two days again, though this time the interim filled itself. Sitting right where i am now, listening to the quiet trilling of faerie music, pulling together the threads i needed to find, the elements that would honor Ostara. i rarely plan any sort of ritual or observance except in the vaguest of ways - i knew i would be leading a meditation and that i needed to write something for it; but beyond that i was a blank slate. A slate i've been hesitant to fill for reasons i've not tried to guess, which is neither here nor there. The point is, i found the right notes, the things i needed to weave together.
That done, i set out - still only afternoon! - to the open house for another good friend's project, literally just around the corner from my apartment. She and i are cut from similar cloth and have a history that goes back as far as any other tangle in this tale. From there, my elder daughter came to use the car for a bit, then invited me to visit her friend's urban loft - a space that had once housed several DIY music/arts collective spaces i had known in the early 90s.
Satuday then at last. Satuday was my friends' mother's memorial. Normally i would be at work, and having taken time off for the parade, i didn't want to lose any further hours, so i started the day early. The weather is finally beginning to shift back towards normal, but EVERY blooming thing is a riot of color and mist. i took the dog and walked past a dew-spangled urban meadow just after the sun rose, then went off to care for my charges at the pet store.
By the time i was finished and able to cross town, i arrived at the funeral home just in time to make final farewells at the coffin, then join the procession to the church. The services were rather emotional for me - although i count myself a pagan, having been raised literally in a church i am able to connect with any authentic communion with the Spirit. There are additional factors with this particular tribe that i won't go into here; but simply being where i was was deeply charged, as i was unsure of my welcome from one quarter in particular. Some of the service was in Croatian, so i had an hour to work through my own painfully mixed feelings in a setting where tears and prayers fit perfectly in.
i had not, again, looked ahead or considered whether i would join the familial tribe afterwards, but when the invitation came, there was no question but that i would accept. No question, yet as we moved from the church to the social hall i did question. i cried, i shook, i asked myself over and over - but still i went. Not my will but Thine, Lady. The ceremonies were Christian but opened a door to the Goddess as easily for me.
And in the end i accepted; what else could i do? The worst rift in that family wounds me deeply, to where it will never fully heal in this life. But it could as easily have torn open today, jagged and bloody, a twisting knife. Instead..
Instead we gathered again in the evening, this time in the band space, a literal sonic temple. The story of her passing on Tuesday, the energie specifically channeled into sending her peacefully across, was shared with all. There was wine and sacred smoke, and soon enough they wandered to their instruments - and i to mine. The lights have expanded since last i worked with them, more capabilities now than before. My place there has been vacant this winter; more rifts. i Know that the colours i weave over and around them are as much a part of their spell as guitar, voice, and drums, and i have deeply missed my seat behind the board.
This tribe, this space (the Center, we call it) has been a place of safety and support for me despite the challenges and it was Good and Right to be there again. i know much is yet to be resolved for me there, and as i said, may never fully be. i have looked longer and harder than most anyone believes for something Other than what i find thee ('let this cup pass' - ??) yet again and again i wash up on those shores, always with a feeling of Relief - Home at last.
This should be more than enough to turn the seasons fully but no - Sunday is the final day (i think!). Again for the first time, i have reserved a public space to hold the seasonal meditation i've been leading for a couple years now - the original group of which has a large overlap with the same familial tribe i spent today with. i shall work, come home, gather items for a central altar, including a bouquet of flowers drawn from the memorial spray that topped the coffin this morning. i shall go around the other corner to lead whoever shows up on a journey into Spring.
When at last we return, we shall be in a new parallel universe to the one we inhabit now. i Know the transition will take us upwards. i hope i don't get motionsick from the ride.
Blessed Be, and Welcome. i don't get to visit this branch of my tree very often, but when i do, its always positive; so i'm happy to be back here now.
As i write, it is the evening of the Winter Solstice. Light is returning, even tho winter has yet to arrive (here on the North Coast anyway). i am listening to MotherTongue's 'This Winter's Night' and 'Close to the Edge' by Yes - the latter may seem unusual, but its been solstice music to me since highschool (ok, Yes provided the soundtrack to some transformative psychedelic voyaging in those days ;-) i've got some incense lit, a cup of vanilla-hazelnut coffee at hand, and the puppyboy curled at my feet.. and i want to tell you about my Longest Night.
i have been leading informal guided meditations for a group of friends for a while now - a couple years, actually. Last night was the third anniversary of this. i don't quite recall how we started, tho i do remember how very nervous i was that first time! We haven't managed every point on the wheel since, but i think we've met at least three or four times a year. Every time the group is a little different; this year's was the largest yet, and - for me, at least - the most special.
Yesterday was almost the longest *day* - i worked in the bird room in the morning, spending much of the day scrubbing walls and floors; then came home to shower and change, load my car, pick up my Elder Daughter and go off to participate in a Trunk Show sale down in Tremont. Which was a pleasant time, a sort of holiday party on its own. Had to take her home after - her MS makes her tire easily - then came back to my dear friends house where the gather was to be held.
Arrived to find a nice little party already in progress, with the largest group we've yet had - eep! It was a while yet before all arrived and settled in. i didn't at all think to check the time, but i suspect we were ready to circle around 11:30pm. Some people had been to these before and knew what to expect; others had no idea at all. But we managed to squeeze everyone in, just barely.
i wrote a piece where we all journeyed to a palace of ice with a magickal evergreen in the center. Along the way, there was a line about hearing bells.. just before we got to that, the sound of windchimes drifted in through an open window (its been unseasonably warm here, enough that with so many people we could have a little fresh air). And then, just as the sound of bells was to grow stronger, someone's cellphone went off with a bell-like tone - ! It made everyone laugh, and didn't seem to disturb the flow of the journey too much - but next time, i'll listen to my inner voice when it says i should remind people to set theirs to vibrate ;-D
Afterwards, we went out to the backyard where a small fire had been laid and watched over by a non-participating member. Some people left then, but after a time, one newer attendee mentioned a tradition she'd grown up with, of writing down wishes and committing them to the fire - something we've done in the past as well, so it fit perfectly. Another woman brought out red&green paper slips and silver pens from her house next door. We used the red papers to write things we'd like to be rid of in the coming year, and the green to write wishes for things coming in. Then we went around the circle, and each of us mentioned one or two things we were sending to the fire. As it happened, we were doing that right as the Solstice actually arrived; a beautiful accident.
A bit after that, the first woman shared a chant she knew, one i hadn't heard before, so that was a gift for me! i think the notion of chanting together might have been a little challenging to that group.. she and i sang it through twice together. If we'd had a drum, and one or two more voices, i think we might have had a little chant circle as well; but at least we got close.
Things broke up not long after that, tho the night still wasn't over for me - another friend got into town from L.A. so i went off to have a nightcap with him and a couple other friends before getting home in an exhausted tumble somewhere around 3am. All around, a truly majikal, wonderful, special Solstice night.
