New Moon Equinox

Its been a little hard to get myself oriented to the awakening of Spring as we know it here, as we seem to have fast-forwarded right past it into early summer this past week. Everything i looked at talked about leaving winter behind, and what winter we had has been gone for weeks already. But we are still at the turning point, when the days have grown long enough to equal the nights; soon the daylight hours will surpass the darkness. We don't have to anticipate the yearly rebirth of Nature, as its blossoming and bursting forth all around us. Not only that, but we have been dumped ass over teakettles into the sort of weather we're lucky to have at Beltane and often don't see til closer to Memorial Day.

This sudden swoop forward has left me bewildered and out of breath, as if i'd found myself, a bit unknowingly, going down one of those spiralling slides found at water parks and the like. Its been all swooshes and curves and such a ride that i hardly understood i had begun it and here i am plunk! into the pool at the bottom. Sometime i think i can just be awfully dense.. For as many years as i've been trying to Pay Attention, i've known that the combination of Certain Holidays with Certain Moon Phases can - can? will - bring about some classic energetic peaks. And yet - did it once occur to me another one of those concordances was on its way? (no).

When i first became aware of this in the late 80s, i had a circle of friends who often found ourselves gathered together on nights when the moon was new. That original group splintered and scattered; others have risen and done the same, only to have old alignments return in their place. Now, i count myself a member of several heart family tribes, some of whom even overlap.

i say all this to try and provide the background framework for the events of this past week, Spring Equinox, new moon, and more. When i describe myself as dense - i don't want to know how far along life's path i'd progressed before it dawned on me that my birthday, St Patrick's Day, was only slightly before the first day of spring; and the celebration of it (tho usually held in raw cold, if not the last snow of the season) serves along with Easter as the public, secular observance of same.

This year, of course, we had so little snow as to not be worth considering. Instead, last Saturday was sunny, the first in a streak of record-breakingly warm temperatures - and i decided to try my hand busking the parade. This was the first time in my life i've gone out 'freelance' without the blessing of the larger event, which was both scary and exciting. The energie current i found down there was completely over the top. There was a Bacchanalian quality amongst the revelers who literally packed the downtown entertainment corridor, of course; but after this winter, everyone knew on some deep level the unseasonable warmth was - Not Right.

When i perform, i throw myself into the middle of a moving group as a static presence. Sometimes there are more families with children, sometimes more adults who've sampled a festive beverage or two. Maintaining my stillness in the center of such energetic swirls requires an almost monastic focus. This is the state of mind i took to the unseasonably beautiful streets last Saturday; this is where i began to mark the equinox season though i recognized it not at the time.

Two days later came the actual moment of equinox, when the days and nights balance and the wheel of seasons turned. Again, i did not know it just then, but the mother of a good friend passed on that evening. I had had the fortune to have known her in her last years, though they were not easy ones for her. That day, her son had seen her for the last time; that evening, he gathered with his bandmates. Just as they finished a last song - a song that ended perfect and clean - the phone rang with the news that she had gone on.

Another two days. Thursday night the weather was still beautiful. i spent the day with my younger daughter, doing a few errands then going to see a movie together at our classic restored neighborhood theater. We watched 'Hugo' in 3D; a story that ultimately told of things near to my heart (the creation of the earliest fantasy cinema). That night, i gathered with a group of friends who date back to my circle from the 80s, a regular weekly event. This was the first night this year we sat out front on the patio. As we sat, i realized that just then, that night, was the new moon just as it used to be; and we spoke of members of the earlier tribe. Some have moved, some left this plane, some are nearby yet distant internally, but i realized, ah! oh! it was one of Those nights, of course, of course.

Two days again, though this time the interim filled itself. Sitting right where i am now, listening to the quiet trilling of faerie music, pulling together the threads i needed to find, the elements that would honor Ostara. i rarely plan any sort of ritual or observance except in the vaguest of ways - i knew i would be leading a meditation and that i needed to write something for it; but beyond that i was a blank slate. A slate i've been hesitant to fill for reasons i've not tried to guess, which is neither here nor there. The point is, i found the right notes, the things i needed to weave together.

That done, i set out - still only afternoon! - to the open house for another good friend's project, literally just around the corner from my apartment. She and i are cut from similar cloth and have a history that goes back as far as any other tangle in this tale. From there, my elder daughter came to use the car for a bit, then invited me to visit her friend's urban loft - a space that had once housed several DIY music/arts collective spaces i had known in the early 90s.

Satuday then at last. Satuday was my friends' mother's memorial. Normally i would be at work, and having taken time off for the parade, i didn't want to lose any further hours, so i started the day early. The weather is finally beginning to shift back towards normal, but EVERY blooming thing is a riot of color and mist. i took the dog and walked past a dew-spangled urban meadow just after the sun rose, then went off to care for my charges at the pet store.

By the time i was finished and able to cross town, i arrived at the funeral home just in time to make final farewells at the coffin, then join the procession to the church. The services were rather emotional for me - although i count myself a pagan, having been raised literally in a church i am able to connect with any authentic communion with the Spirit. There are additional factors with this particular tribe that i won't go into here; but simply being where i was was deeply charged, as i was unsure of my welcome from one quarter in particular. Some of the service was in Croatian, so i had an hour to work through my own painfully mixed feelings in a setting where tears and prayers fit perfectly in.

i had not, again, looked ahead or considered whether i would join the familial tribe afterwards, but when the invitation came, there was no question but that i would accept. No question, yet as we moved from the church to the social hall i did question. i cried, i shook, i asked myself over and over - but still i went. Not my will but Thine, Lady. The ceremonies were Christian but opened a door to the Goddess as easily for me.

And in the end i accepted; what else could i do? The worst rift in that family wounds me deeply, to where it will never fully heal in this life. But it could as easily have torn open today, jagged and bloody, a twisting knife. Instead..
Instead we gathered again in the evening, this time in the band space, a literal sonic temple. The story of her passing on Tuesday, the energie specifically channeled into sending her peacefully across, was shared with all. There was wine and sacred smoke, and soon enough they wandered to their instruments - and i to mine. The lights have expanded since last i worked with them, more capabilities now than before. My place there has been vacant this winter; more rifts. i Know that the colours i weave over and around them are as much a part of their spell as guitar, voice, and drums, and i have deeply missed my seat behind the board.

This tribe, this space (the Center, we call it) has been a place of safety and support for me despite the challenges and it was Good and Right to be there again. i know much is yet to be resolved for me there, and as i said, may never fully be. i have looked longer and harder than most anyone believes for something Other than what i find thee ('let this cup pass' - ??) yet again and again i wash up on those shores, always with a feeling of Relief - Home at last.

This should be more than enough to turn the seasons fully but no - Sunday is the final day (i think!). Again for the first time, i have reserved a public space to hold the seasonal meditation i've been leading for a couple years now - the original group of which has a large overlap with the same familial tribe i spent today with. i shall work, come home, gather items for a central altar, including a bouquet of flowers drawn from the memorial spray that topped the coffin this morning. i shall go around the other corner to lead whoever shows up on a journey into Spring.

When at last we return, we shall be in a new parallel universe to the one we inhabit now. i Know the transition will take us upwards. i hope i don't get motionsick from the ride.