All my adult life I've been preparing for what some folks call the 'coming Earth changes'. I'm not even sure exactly what that implies; I'm sure you could google it and get one sort of answer, maybe even one that's fairly close to what I mean - if only I actually knew what I meant. Let me try again.
I've always Known, on some intuitive level, that the way of the world was going to Shift, somehow, and that during my lifetime. At the same time, the side of me that is relatively rational and skeptical (yes, there is one) understands that *every* era thinks this; and I suppose for every era it has been true in a way.
Be that as it may, things are changing, sometimes dramatically so. As I write, I am reminded that it is the 27th anniversary of the Harmonic Convergence, an event that affected my own life enough I have a tattoo in memory of it. That, in turn, was said to herald a twenty-five year countdown to the end of the Mayan Long Count on December 21, 2012. Obviously the world neither ended nor transformed into a NewAge paradise on that date. And yet..
Since then, I have certainly felt a shifting in my own life. Thee Gates really are Opening; the Veil grows thin. Meanwhile, the forces of Gruad the Greyface have been throwing every single impediment they can find at this phenomenon, in vain hope of halting or even reversing its effects. I say vain, because I do truly believe that not only is a new world coming, but that it is inevitable. Likewise, I believe I have a role in bringing that change about.
Now, I don't want to claim I have a pivotal one; I don't think I do. At least no moreso than anyone else, though also no less. At best I might be some sort of regional co-ordinator, though probably more like a block watch captain. I try my best to carry that responsibility that is assigned to me (when, by whom, how I know? I can't say) which is one of the reasons I sometimes refer to myself as village witch.
I'll be the first to tell you, believing all this may just make me more than a little hoohoo-dilly. Maybe I have sampled the kool-aid a few times too often; maybe my damaged ego had to concoct some kind of fairytale to make up for my lifelong failure to fit in with mainstream society. I'm willing to accept either or both. Which is one reason I don't go around talking about such matters to anyone I can corner for more than thirty seconds - I fully expect I'm on one or two loco lists already, I don't need to channel my way to the top.
But every once in a while, I'll meet someone who I feel - sense - innately Know - will understand these things. Its not unusual to find people, especially those somewhat younger than me, with a basic grasp of these ideas. At the best, I'll find someone who has a similar understanding and perspective to mine. Rarest of all is the person with whom all of this is simply and immediately Known, understood, and needs no explanation whatsoever. I have two such people in my life - and at the moment, I'm estranged from both of them. Both, I think, for similar reasons.
In both cases, I've made the decision to step away, or at least step back. I've certainly done the opposite in the past, and put a lot of energy into pursuing each of them. Each, in turn, has shied away when I've come forward, and let things go dormant when I've stepped back. In each case, I can - and have -said, I'm apparently not worth the effort to them (not a reflection on my own self-worth; just that they don't see maintaining the connection as worth their time) so why should they be worth it to me. And still, I miss each of them more deeply than I can say.
With one of these two, the break between us has been deeper and more seemingly final; while the other isn't really a break, just - an extended absence. I would say the connection with the first is deeper, the deepest, in fact, I think I've experienced in this life. Its also an older, longer connection that I somehow know stretches across lifetimes - something we have acknowledged each to the other, and surely part of the reason the breach between us has been so painfully deep and appears impossible to mend.
With the other - the phrase, 'young old soul' comes to mind. Our connection is much the same sort but newer, not as deep nor soul-wrenching in its absence. Nor has the disconnect been as heavy and grief-laden; which is not to say no tears have been shed there. They have, but not as many and not as many times. Of course, with this connection we were 'merely' especially good friends. With the other.. ah now that I never could quite figure out. Never quite lovers but certainly far more than friends.
In each of these cases I wish a way could be found to mend what's broken. The friendship always seemed to afford more honesty between us and would seem to need far less repair, yet we are very far apart right now - socially for sure, emotionally to an extent, physically not so very much at all (yet enough).
With the other one, well, the gulf there is huge, incredibly deep if perhaps not wide. Big mistakes have been made on both sides, deep hurts inflicted, wrongs done. Enough that I have more than once attempted to shut the door between us, slam it, nail it closed and forget it was ever open. Enough that I have no real idea how much mental furniture has been piled against that doorway on the other side; enough that I can't begin to imagine what to do to make amends and clear it all away, as all previous efforts have only served to make the problem worse.
And yet - that door seems made from smoke or some equally ethereal stuff. Nails don't work, as there's nothing for them to pound down. And while the emotional chasm is huge, the physical and social gaps are relatively minor. Where I am not sure if I've seen my 'young' friend at all this year, this 'old' friend crosses my path every six weeks or so. And though the signals passing through that smoky door are often mixed, hazy, and hard to interpret, the one thing they aren't is clearly and unequivocally final.
Which leaves me here wondering, what, if anything, do I do about it? I never discussed playing the role of village witch with my old friend too much - somehow it almost seemed redundant; though I've always been uncomfortably aware that lack of discussion could lead to confusion, assuming something is understood when in fact it is not. Even without laying such groundwork, however, we could always 'talk shop' it seemed, and that is something I miss so deeply my breath catches in my throat just to write it.
Once, there was a time we could sit up at night, look at the stars, and talk about the world. Science, politics, things that mattered to both of us - which more often than not were the same things. Leaving that behind has been akin to cutting off my left hand, or agreeing to breathe only a reduced-oxygen atmosphere. It is as if they are the only other fluent speaker of Basque I ever met (editors note: I don't speak Basque) and now they won't talk to me. Lately, however, they seem to be dropping a word or two in that language, parsing an idiom, unusual sentence structure, when they know I'm within earshot. Because so much has happened (and I have been put to blame for most if not all of it), I am quick to question my own ears, shy about letting a similar turn of phrase past my lips, and careful not too often to be seen places where such conversation might be overheard.
But dear gods. It seems the burdens of life would be so much easier to bear if only I could be back at my old friend's side. In fact, it has often seemed to me that my 'local responsibility' is something we could and should share. And I like to think that I would offer both a similar respite from the world and a share of carrying a burden to them. On a deeper level, I Know that this is so; but here on the surface where egos collide things are seldom so clear.
Yes, we have admitted to missing each other, though its been some time since we were close enough to even speak that much. And I would think the door closed and myself the one unable to accept that but for the fact that signals still pass through. A lingering look here, an obscure yet pointed reference there. And as with any true friendship, in each case no matter how much time has passed, we can pick up as if we left off yesterday, the rhythms and patterns of two people who know each other like no other. If only we can manage to lay aside the knowledge of all the ways we should not have grown apart.
So for now, I will take down the nails and clear what I can from my side. In both cases, the door is open, but I can only invite. It will be to each of them to make the decision to step through.
No comments:
Post a Comment